The Mother's Lesson

Every mother teaches her children. This is true, even if she never sees them. We all, as mothers, get to choose what we teach them, but it would help if we knew how important those lessons are, and what they are. I believe that most mothers have no idea what they are actually teaching their children. This can set them up for failure. Just imagine you are a teacher at a school. You prepare your math lesson carefully, and teach your class to the best of your ability; only to find out afterwards that it was actually a grammar lesson. What kind of lesson did they learn? Did you use proper grammar? Did you model the English language well? Did you teach them all that you should have? Now imagine that the lesson was of vital importance, and would shape the children's entire lives. How would you feel?

I hope that this message will reach at least one person and make their life, and the lives of their children, and grandchildren, better. It is that important.

Mothers teach their children, whether they intend to or not, about the entire world. The way the mother acts, towards others, towards their father, and towards the child himself, shows the child the way people are "supposed" to act, how they are to treat others, how they are to react towards God, and how the world feels about that child. It doesn't matter that in reality, often time it is an inaccurate picture... it is still the lesson the child learns.

If a mother treats a child as though they are not good enough... that child will grow up feeling that the entire world feels that they are not good enough. This will follow them into their relationships with all others. In marriage, they will have an underlying feeling that their spouse doesn't think they are good enough... even if she has never once indicated such a thing. This is not to say that a mother should be the child's "cheerleader" or ego booster, always pleased, even if the child does wrong. To do this would undermine the child's character. This is not a "self-esteem building", "everybody's special", situation either. If the mother consistently lets the child know that she is pleased with his effort, he will learn that he can be good enough, and it gives him the strength, courage, and incentive to try.

If the mother neglects or harms the child, they will feel that they are on their own, and that people cannot be trusted. They will look to be hurt by everyone, and may even allow it, when a healthy sense of self-value would prevent it. If the mother is controlling, managing their entire life, the child learns that they aren't capable of doing anything properly, and need others to tell them how to live. If she abandons her child or if forced to be away from him, he comes to believe that people are unable or unwilling to be there for him. He also learns that he "must not be" important.

You see, far worse than what he learns about the rest of the world; the child also takes away the belief that there is something wrong with him. He quickly comes to believe that he is unworthy of respect, undeserving, inadequate, incapable, unlovable, and worthless.

However the mother is, is how the child, even as an adult, will believe people, deep down, really are. And however the child internalizes this belief determines how the child feels about himself, even all the way through his adulthood. One clear example of this particular point is that if you tell a child he is a "bad boy", he will live "up" to your expectations. Better to tell the child that you know he is a good boy, and that he needs to act like one. Boys, in particular, are strengthened by being made to control themselves.

Furthermore, if a mother treats the child's father with disrespect, the child learns (believe it or not) that God is unworthy of respect. Yes, these lesson can be unlearned, but it would be better not to have that hurdle to get over.

These unintended lessons are the very things people go to psychotherapy to undo. No mother wants to teach their child any of this, but sadly, many do, inadvertently. I have witnessed it many times, with knowledge of the cause. It is painful to see, but not impossible to prevent. No, it is quite easy to prevent, and never actually too late to overcome, with God's help.

If, as a mother, you made it a habit to keep forefront in your mind that you are constantly teaching your child that he is either worthy of respect, or unworthy; deserving of happiness, or undeserving; adequate as a person or inadequate, capable of making decisions or incapable, lovable or unlovable, and a person of value in the world, or worthless... if you keep these thoughts in your mind when you choose how to act and react with your child, you will be able to choose to teach him only good lessons. And you will help ensure that he grows up to be well adjusted and happy, no matter what life throws at him.

This is a gigantic responsibility. I understand it is an overwhelming prospect to think that you, as a mother, are in control of how your child's entire life will play out; that how you live is of such great importance that the fate of your children and grandchildren rests on your shoulders. Rest assured that if you take it seriously, and turn to Him, God will help you through it. He will bless you with strength and courage, so long as you look to Him for help. If you look to yourself, alone, you will fail. Denial will get you nowhere.

Your child is learning. The question is, what are you teaching him?